August 03, 2011

The Bacteria and the Traveling Lump

You know, part of the reason I don't see a doctor on a regular basis is because they can always manage to find something wrong with me and sometimes I am just. not. in. the. mood.

Two and a half years in the clinical trial [for the best MS medicine eva], and giving up what felt like copious amounts of blood and urine every three months [not to mention the EKGs, PFTs and MRIs], I figured if something untoward was going on I'd find out about it.

Well I met this LPN who has partnered up with an MD and opened a 'wellness center' barely a mile from my house. I generally would rather visit an LPN or a PA than an MD - and the price was right for someone without insurance - so I decided to stop in for an overall physical and girly check up.

I'm glad I went because the visit and exam was as delightful as one can be given the whole speculum part of the thing; and I left there a little more educated.  The first thing I learned was I can have a monstrous UTI with the only symptom being a stiff back.  I don't think of myself as particularly stupid but I really thought there would be more noticeable things like stink or discoloration or itching - you know, something that would really get my attention.  But no, just a mild backache. Sure I was tired as hell but hello, I have MS and I'm on a drug that lowers my heart rate and BP a little.  Sure I was having some trouble with my gait and muscle fatigue in my legs but hello, I have MS and it's 7,000 degrees outside.  Anyhoo, a blood test and a dip stick indicated a urinary tract infection so antibiotics were ordered and dear Lord, I feel like a different person.  In a good way.

The second thing I learned was that, given enough manipulation, a fibroid in the breast can actually be relocated.  Seriously, for years I've had this one long fibroid that grows and shrinks depending on my level of caffeine intake. If my tata where a clock this thing would stretch from 2 to 4. I pointed it out to the LPN who apparently felt the need to mash on it for what felt like twenty minutes; an hour later that little bastard had reshaped itself into a macadamia nut and taken up residence in between 12 and 1.

Of course I'm going to continue with the appropriate diagnostics and treatments and shit - and I really don't want to sound like I'm being flippant or anything - but I know my girls and they have been very high maintenance for my entire adult life and I'm really. not. in. the. mood.

By the way, if you find yourself relocating to Alpharetta, GA and you don't have medical, check this out.


Mary K. Mennenga said...

I totaly understand your not in the mood and love the way you write it out. Very cool! Sharing with some people creates too much drama. Grrr
I'm so glad my family does not read my blog, hope everything works out. Mary
Did not know UTI's thank's for the info.

Kim @ Stuff could... said...

I do find that I like LPN, RN's better than doctors, many times??

Have Myelin? said...

I must say...I learned something today!!!

And you are sure funny. =p