April 27, 2011

If you have an answer already, don't ask the damned question, ok?

Husband: What are you thinking for dinner?
Me:: I've got the fixin's for beefy noodle soup, how does that sound?
Husband:: How about chicken scallopini?
Me:: I don't know how to make chicken scallopini.
Husband:: Oh, you can figure it out. Google a recipe.
Me:[Silently]: Oh, f*** you.

April 15, 2011

He Says/She Says

Scene:  Me, sitting at the dining room table a/k/a my workspace.

Hubby: I only ask you to do TWO THINGS around here!  Stop leaving the cat food lids in the sink and keep your gun near you at all times and you can't manage to do either one!!

[Really? So I don't have to cook, grocery shop, do the laundry, clean the bathrooms, clean the litter boxes, feed the animals, etc? Cool!]

Me: Honey, for every cat food lid you find in the sink, there are at least two that I've already thrown out.

Hubby: And you don't get it, you just don't get it! You ALWAYS need to know WHERE the gun is, HOW you'll get to it and WHAT to do with it!!

Me:  Honey, I always do know where it is.  Because I don't move it I can't lose it.


April 13, 2011

Talk of the dog

Talk of the dog

Sit. Stay. Read. Laugh.

A beautiful day in the neighborhood

A beautiful day for a neighbor, would you...just drop dead you cheap-ass, whiny diva?

Yep, spring is here, so that means the annual bitch and moan fest is taking shape.  See, I have been Chair of a neighborhood committee that is responsible for our swim/tennis property. I've been on this committee for, I don't know, FIVE MILLION YEARS or something.  Trust me, I don't do it for my own ego.  Just like every neighborhood in the world that has an Association, people generally hate us invisible Board or Committee members who force them to behave responsibly.  I know, right?  Go figure.

Anyway, we have two tennis courts, one of which is buckling because of a nearby tree whose roots have grown under the court area and broke through the surface during the few years of drought the Southeast went through.

This facility is cost-shared between us and another neighborhood less than 1/4 mile away, with combined homes of about 165 (not all of whom pay because just like everywhere else we've had plenty of people losing their jobs and either fighting off or heading headlong into foreclosure).  Along with the tennis courts comes a nice-sized clubhouse (great room, tiny kitchenette, exercise room and his and hers bathrooms with sinks, toilets and showers), and a swimming pool with a 3-room little building to house the pump room and his and hers bathrooms with sinks, toilets and showers.  Next time you're at a public pool, look around at what's there for you.  Toilet paper and paper towel in the bathrooms.  Trash cans with bags.  Water in the (clean because the county inspects us every year to the tune of $350) pool. Pool furniture (chairs, loungers, tables, umbrellas) that's not falling apart.  Gas grills so you can picnic.  Cut grass.  Pleasant foliage.  No ants.  You see where I'm going here?  Maintaining all that stuff ain't cheap.  Each home pays about $200 per year towards our operating budget (which is probably about half of what we all pay our neighborhood Associations in dues).  We've managed to survive each season fine if nothing significant breaks.  We were even so tight with spending for several years, we've managed to save up the money to replace the heat/air in the clubhouse when we need to which will probably be soon because that unit was installed around 1987.  We haven't asked for more money from the two neighborhoods in like ten years. Because we can make do.

But we can't fix that tennis court.  Because we've priced it.  And it will cost close to $50,000 to get rid of that tree and replace the entire court area.  [And that assumes we could even get permission to remove the stupid tree because apparently there is a teeny, tiny stream back there that some government dildo has designated a wetland and, therefore, protected.]  Since out of 165 homes I can count on one hand the actual tennis court users - all three of them -  I'm thinking we won't get approval for an extra $330 per household to fix the stupid courts.  While I know "one should never assume", I do believe I'm correct on this issue.  We've got one good court.  Use it and like it, 'kay?

So, lady who came up my driveway without notice and said, "Every time we use the tennis courts the net is sagging and we have to re-tighten it.  We don't mind doing it, but could you maybe consider taking some money off of our dues for us doing that?"  Really lady, are you fucking kidding me?


Start paying me for doing this stupid job and maybe I'll start to give a shit.  Until then, you can get off my property.  And on your way back down my driveway, kiss my lumpy, white ass.

April 05, 2011

Memorizing my life's trivia will not win you a prize, so don't bother.

I literally schedule every minute of each day, including shower/primp, laundry, critter feeding times, lunch, etc.  That doesn't mean I don't multitask, it simply helps prevent me from getting off-track. Borderline anal behavior I know, but I've found if I don't do it - and adhere to it - my day will spin out of control and that really pisses me off.

No, my dear husband whom I love, I will not stop what I'm doing immediately to take an inventory of every burned-out light bulb in the house because you want to stop by Home Depot on your way home tonight.  You've had plenty of time to get light bulbs since I first asked you back in fucking January. It's not my fault that more have gone out in the last three months.

This cat that my former friends abandoned is still here and doing fine but barfs every. fucking. day. Of course she can't help it and all but that doesn't mean I find it particularly enjoyable.

Be advised, if you are an asshole when dealing with customer service people, either in person or on the phone, you will die a lonely and unloved individual.

You are not the center of the universe, none of us are.  If your parents told you otherwise, they were mistaken.  Deal with it.

If you think you are such an outstanding driver that you can text at the same time, you're wrong. Really.

Just because I work from home, neighbor/solicitor/friend/family, that doesn't mean you can show up and knock on my door without calling first, m'kaaaay? Please see paragraph 1.

OK, blogging time has ended.  Time for a shower now.

P.S I watched the first two episodes of "The Killing" on A&E this past Sunday night.  It's really, really good and, yes, it is on my calendar.