July 31, 2011

I'd Rather Have MS than Children.

So I have this neighbor.  She's really, really sweet, from the mid-west, in her early thirties with three kids under the age of 12.

She hosted a Pampered Chef party a few weeks ago which I didn't attend but I placed a product order online for something I used to have but somebody broke it so I've been without for a couple of years.  I love Pampered Chef products.  Have for years.  But getting the stuff, either online or an in-home party, takes forfuckingever.

So I waited a month (!) and called her. She was out of state with her kids visiting her side of the family and was coming back last week and she'll call me when she returns and will get me my thing which has been in her garage apparently for a couple of weeks.

Friday 7/29 she'll come by around 7:00pm.  Late that evening, she apologized, she got busy and rescheduled.
Saturday 7/30 she'll come by at 3:00.  I get a text at ten-something that she's sorry, things got busy and she couldn't get by at 7:00 (?).
Sunday 7/31 she's supposed to be coming by today.

What keeps interrupting her and throwing of her schedule?  What do you think? Fricking needy, life-force-sucking children. In case you're wondering, no I'm not sitting around here waiting.  She has my phone numbers and each time she told me she'd be coming I asked her to text me when she was on her way.

There are no words to properly express how happy I am to not be a mom.

July 18, 2011

A Message to Facebook-ers

If you send me a friend request and don't add a note telling me who the h*ll you are, you will be ignored.

If I look at your page trying to identify you [just in case you didn't send me the note referenced above] and you have over 1000 friends, you will be ignored [Really, how can one possibly keep up with that many people on Facebook].

If I know you and already know we have *nothing* in common, I will probably ignore you. If I don't want to offend you I will send you a note to very nicely explain why I'm not going to accept your request. If I don't even like you, you'll get nothing.

This is how I roll...

Do you *really* want to get married?

This came in an email from my friend Mark. He got it from his niece. I have no idea what original sources this was cobbled from, but it really is laugh out loud funny.

Happy Monday!


You have choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. Amen!!!!
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .
A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.'
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
'A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.'

July 16, 2011

Wait. What?

funny pictures of cats with captions

Holy shit, it's the middle of effing JULY already!  I am so sorry to the three people who actually read this mess, as well as to the few special people whose blogs I actually read.  I've been remiss in reading and commenting as well as doing any writing of my own.

I'm a little scared by the fact that my calendar is filling with lots of to-dos all the way into fracking Labor Day weekend, my God.  I think I finally understand my father now when he tried to explain to me as a kid why time flies so, so fast when one is an adult.

Didn't see how that was possible then.  Getting it now.  Damn.